A few people asked me to keep writing about being single, which is totally flattering and funny at the same time, but I think I will write about relationships this time.... Besides, I think I said just about everything I could on being single:) First off.... I AM NOT THE EXPERT on relationships. BUT I have learned a lot from each boy I dated, and I have observed a lot of students and friends. I am also blunt enough to just go ahead and tell you how it is. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the encouraging comments, messages, texts, and calls about the Single Girls Guide post. It is scary to put things out there like that, but I am so glad I did...lets see if I do not regret this one:)
SO...Pretty much all of my classes are filled with girls and just about every day someone walks in crying- Today the count was 3. Yes, the life I lead is a glamorous one. Every single time it is about a boy, a boy that does not treat them right, a boy that embarrasses them, a boy that pressures them, or a boy that does not value them. As a matter of fact, I just now asked my students what are some things that boys do to make you feel so sad all the time- Let's just say that I had to make them raise their hands because of their 1 million comments at the same time. So here is a post going out to the girls in relationships, because I am just about tired of seeing sad tears. I am also tired of girls breaking up, getting back together over and over with the same silly boys- when they know it is all wrong and they could do better. It is really hard for me to sympathize sometimes, because I do not let guys treat me like that... BUT I am trying harder to get in the minds of girls that return to those same manipulative boys. This post could also be for boys in a relationship- girls can definitely be evil too- so once again I am not on a boy bashing spree.
I have a few questions that I want you to answer about the boy or girl you are with... if every answer is no- then I think it is time to do something about it...because you can. Yes, things will be different, you will lose a friend, you will not get to see their family as much, and you will be alone....but you will be happy and searching for the person that VALUES you and wants to be with you- not wasting time with the person who is not right for you.
Simple question, right? Not always... a lot of times girls want to make something work so bad that they make themselves think that all boys are that way, or that he is better than so and so, so he must be treating me right. How should a guy treat a girl? Well for starters he should want whats best for you. He should make you feel good about yourself... not tear you down!
2.) Do you always feel like you are giving 150% when he is giving 25%?
In some past relationships I have noticed that I am the person that gives, gives, gives. Girls we should want to give and help the guy out as much as we can, but if you realize that you are giving a whole lot more- you might want to question how much the guy is invested in your relationship. The best relationships that I see are ones that are full of both people giving- it is not a selfish relationship. You deserve a relationship in which the boy gives as much as you give- works best that way. Believe me...when it is one sided like that, it is hard not to keep score and get tired/snappy. It does not work.
3.) Does he make you feel special?
There are those guys that know exactly what to say to make you feel important and special, AND then there are those guys that you never know what they are thinking (which can be fun at first but then it gets old). This one is sort of the same as does he treat you right...but I wanted to make this point again, because a majority of my students are in these awful relationships with boys who treat them like dirt.
4.) Is your relationship based on a friendship or a physical relationship?
I know many people have different views on this one... but I am pretty sure that most people agree that couples who start out as friends usually work better. Media shows us that you should have sex (yes I have to be real about this) on the 3rd date....and that everyone is doing it...really? I mean really? That is what the relationship will be based on the rest of the time...a shallow, physical relationship. I am even talking about the relationships where all you do is make out- that can be just as shallow. I remember during my 2nd year of teaching overhearing a conversation going on in my classroom... a student was making fun of another student for being a virgin. Well I had to jump in on this one- sometimes I try to hold back, but I could not. I ended up telling the girl how awesome that was... and how that is something precious that others can never get back... well by the time I was done, pretty much all of the girls in my class came out saying they were virgins and feeling good about it. I am not telling that story to let you know how awesome I am, but I am just letting you know that not everyone is doing it like the media shows! If you have a guy or girl that pressures you to go to far- to the point you do not feel comfortable... things need to change- speak up. Things will be WAY less complicated, and much more sweeter for those who wait. Plus, God asked us to wait... he asks us things for good reasons. :) No one has ever told me that they regretted not waiting until marriage, and those who did not wait told me how complicated it made things with their husband or wife. He wants to protect us, and keep us from very hard situations and emotional hardships.
5.) Does he let you be around his friends?
I dated a boy who never really let me hang out with his buddies. Being in denial, I thought, "oh he just wants to hang out with the boys, that is ok." I soon realized that he hid his friends from me because of their actions. He could have been embarrassed by me too- who knows. But that right there showed me a lot!
6.) Does he put you down in front of others?
A guy who treats you right will not put you down in front of everyone. I am all about flirty, playful jabs... but when it comes to everyone laughing and making you feel bad- that is NOT ok. I have seen this happen way too many times at the high school level... and sometimes even the marriage level. I have even heard girls say, "He is nice to me when we are alone." What?!
7.) Is he jealous?
Being a little jealous is one thing, being psycho jealous is another. If you receive 25 texts from a boyfriend asking what you are doing, who you are with- that is not good. If your relationship is so rocky that you cannot trust each other, even for an hour- problem. A guy being jealous is cute at first- but it then becomes selfish, controlling, and possessive....creepy too.
8.) Can you see yourself marrying him?
Yes, dating around is good, BUT if you know for sure that a guy is not right for you- then do not even go there- end it. If you think to yourself- what we have is fun, but I do not see it going anywhere- well what are you doing? A lot of heartache will be skipped if you stop it at the first.
9.) Do you like his family?
Guess what... you are stuck with his family for life- so I hope you can get along. Yes, every situation is different, but keep in mind that your boyfriend was raised by this family- so tendencies will come out at some point- maybe when you start raising your own kids.
10.) How does he treat his Mom or sisters?
You can tell a lot about how a boy treats his Mom and sisters. Do they show attitude or respect and love? Also pay attention to the way his Dad treats his Mom...sometimes that shows how he might be.
11.) Does he always pick what you are going to do?
Along with my give, give, give tendencies I would always do what the boy wanted to do. I was fine with this at first because I get so tired of making decisions throughout my day. BUT if you lose who you are, your likes, hobbies, and interests and they do not support these loves of yours- he is not the one.
12.) Do you laugh?
Humor is a big one for me. If you cannot laugh together, then you might not have too much fun- haha. There are going to be hard times, and to be able to laugh with that person will make things a lot easier!
13.) Do you feel safe around him?
He is supposed to protect you, and so if he is the one hurting you get away fast. You might even notice those jealous/possessive/manipulative red flags early. Easier said than done, especially if you are in that abusive relationship...but just know that you can get someone better. I hope and pray that those girls have a friend or someone to talk to and get help. You can get help.
14.) Do you have to tip toe around certain topics or beliefs?*
My Mom always taught me that you can never say the wrong thing to the right person. As girls, we can become quite analytical...and so a conversation might go through our head 25 times as we pick apart every dumb or blunt statement. You will not have to worry about saying the wrong thing if the person is right. Now, if you are with a guy now and notice that you find yourself not saying things that you would normally say- because you are scared of breaking up... you might just want to break up. I have been in relationships where I would not bring up certain religious topics, because I knew it might end something "good." Be true to who you are- if you bring up something and they do not like it and break up with you, it is for the good.
15.) Does he want God placed in the center of your relationship?
BIG ONE! This should have been the first one... I guess I was saving the best for last?? A godly, deep relationship always has God in the center. If you have God in the center you will have a great relationship. Do you pray together? Do you share your beliefs and thoughts with each other? In the past, I found myself pushing this with certain guys.. but with the right guy, you will focus on God together.
16.) Is he honest? Manipulative?
Honesty...well if you do not trust each other, then you will not have a good relationship. I would say that if you catch them in a lie, start getting concerned...because it will come out more. So many of my students talk about trust, guys who lie and manipulation...all sick, sad characteristics- but they are very common now. Be very careful because people who manipulate will get you where they want you and fast.
17.) Do you constantly have to take up for him?
If you find yourself always having to take up for him, then it is time to say bye. Do you want to be with someone who you will forever have to make excuses for? Sounds like fun to me! This makes me think of a very shallow relationship on t.v. -Heidi and Spencer- they now have no friends because of it. I guess- who even knows, it is reality t.v.. Good example Lana.
18.) Does your family approve?
BIG ONE! Guess what? Your family knows you better than anyone, and so they have a pretty good idea who you should be with. Now, I remember being in high school and not liking the people my parents liked- because they were no longer interesting to me...because my parents liked them of course. But now, I really value what my family says.
19.) Do you feel attracted to the person...or is it just everyone else that says you should?
You need to feel that attraction and spark. Sometimes there are people you date who you know you should like, but it is just not there. Well, sometimes that spark will eventually grow, but at the same time really listen to your heart and be true to it. As soon as you know that spark is not there, let that person know...which is always hard, but it is better than just leading them on.
After reading this if you are all sad because you know you need to break up with your boyfriend... just remember that it will hurt for a while, but it is what's best. Your true love still waits for you. Don't you want a real love like on a Walk to Remember? Do you remember how well Shane West treated Mandi Moore? Come on now- you can have that. That soundtrack rocked. Speaking of music...Adele can get you through this hard time, she has your back and tears.
* Did you say NO to a majority of these questions? What are you going to do about it? Just go ahead and pop in Adele. *
I could add about 15 more, but I have got to be boring 50% of you right.... about...... now.
The End.
hahaha! play adele! i think this list needs to be in every girls journal, or on a paper in their room to remind them of what kind of guy they deserve. thank you for this! loving your post!
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